Stay tuned....

For some photos of me from when I was a MUCH larger girl.  Coming soon!

On the right path...

I am on the right path to getting my self esteem back and losing weight to improve my self esteem.  I have recently started my diet again.  It has been a week and I have lost 5 lbs.  :)  YAY!  I am proud of that.  I have been doing good with my portions and watching what I eat.

Now on to helping myself build my self esteem.  I will normally not wear tight fitting shirts but the other day I left the house with a shirt that was a little more tight fitting than I like or than I am used too.  BUT of course what did I bring with me?  I took my sweater to cover myself up if I started feeling self conscience.  But I actually did ok.  I left my sweater off.  WHY?  Because I avoided mirrors and my reflections in the windows.  :(  I know if I would have looked at myself I would have put my sweater on and it was really warm out.  BUT that is a step in the right direction right?  Or is it?  lol  I dont know. 

Building my own self esteem

This is an area I really need to focus on.  This is something I really need to stop and think about and realize I am who I am and I have people in my life who love me the way I am and the way I look now.  BUT I have to love myself too.  How do I love myself when I am so disgusted with what I have to see in the mirror everyday.  I hate mirrors.  I really wish I didnt have to look in a mirror or a reflection in a window when we are walking past a building.  I hate seeing myself and what I look like in a reflection or in a mirror.  I need to learn to love myself.  I need to understand that I was once this BIG girl.  I once was 85-90 lbs heavier than I am now and much more unhealthy.  Yes I have a lot more to lose.  But if I did it before I can do it again.

I have a man in my life that tells me I am beautiful and sexy everyday.  And I just beat myself up and say I am fat and ugly.  Why?!?!  Because that is what I honestly feel like and what I honestly see when I look at myself in a reflection or in a mirror.  I want more than anything to feel comfortable in my own skin and be confident in what I am wearing and what I look like.  I want more than anything to feel beautiful and sexy.  I feel bad for upsetting him when he tells me I am beautiful and sexy and I put myself down. 

So this is what I have to work on.   And I am going to try and make it a point to say something positive about myself daily.  :)

Not just a weight loss journey....

But a self esteem journey as well.  For years I have battled with my self esteem and the way I look and feel when I am out in public surrounded  by beautiful, skinny women.  I just feel myself get depressed and down on myself when we are out somewhere and a beautiful skinny woman is around and it catches my significant others attention.  I feel horrible.  Yes it is normal for men to look.  But I want to be thin and be someone he is proud to be with, not that I dont think he isnt proud to be with me but I want to turn his head even though he sees me everyday. 

I know I have a self esteem problem and I know that I am way to hard on myself and I know I need to lose weight to make myself feel better and I am going to do just that.  It is so sad when it is really hot outside and I have to keep myself covered up in baggy clothes and not show my legs or anything because I am ashamed of myself and the way I look.  Then once again here it is almost summer and all these beautiful skinny women are out in their cute dresses and shorts and tank tops and yes I get even more depressed because I want to be confident enough to wear that kind of thing too.  I honestly really dislike myself. 

So I have created this blog to vent again my weight loss ups and downs and also to vent about how I am feeling self esteem wise.  I have some days that are better than others.  But I really do have a lot of down days and let me tell you this consumes my life and affects my life and relationship with my boyfriend a lot.  I take how I look seriously and I am very sensitive about it.  VERY sensitive.  I am back on my diet for the most part and I am going to be losing weight again.  I have been at a plateau for a few months and I want to get up and over this bump and get on with my journey. 

All my life I have felt this way and have kept myself covered up and felt insecure about the way I look and I dont want that anymore and only I can make that change and make that difference.  And damn it I am going to do my best to change it. 

School is officially out...

School is out for my kids.  I am pretty excited about that.  Means that we can go out of town on our days off and do fun things on the two days off we get as a family when we are not working.  Go for road trips and just have BBQs with friends and hang out. 

I am so proud of my girls this year they have done soooo well in school.  Hannah is making progress in reading but is still behind for her age,  but she is doing better. Hannah has really started to read better and her math is excellent. I am so proud of her. Emily is off the charts,  she is excelling and then some.  She is at a almost 3rd grade level right now and she will be entering 2nd grade.  She loves to read and write.  Natalie is doing excellent too.  For only being 4 1/2 years old when she started kindergarden she is also a little advanced for her age.  Her teacher said she is more than ready for 1st grade and I was so happy to hear that,  because I was a little concerned she wouldnt be ready because she was young.  But she sure proved me wrong.  :)

We have a new family member and we all love him to death.  He is a 3 year old Pug named Frank.  He is so cute and Tizdale is the only one who isnt to fond of him BUT he is getting better with him.  They are starting to play together and lay together.  They are sooo cute.  We take them for walks and they are warming up to each other.  The kids just LOVE him.  And of course they still love Tizdale.  lol 

Steve and I are getting ready for all the OT we are going to be getting at work for the grand opening of the hotel at the casino.  It is going to be crazy with all the stuff they have going on and the concerts.  Steve for sure will have more OT than me. (I think)  I am excited cause I want to save the money for something nice.  Maybe a nice vacation or something.  I dont know.

Well I am going to go relax,  I am a little stressed tonight.  Have someone I love on my mind and I am worried about him.  He is sick right now and in the hospital and I hope he gets well soon.  So I am going to go cuddle with my honey. 

School is officially out...

School is out for my kids.  I am pretty excited about that.  Means that we can go out of town on our days off and do fun things on the two days off we get as a family when we are not working.  Go for road trips and just have BBQs with friends and hang out. 

I am so proud of my girls this year they have done soooo well in school.  Hannah is making progress in reading but is still behind for her age,  but she is doing better. Hannah has really started to read better and her math is excellent. I am so proud of her. Emily is off the charts,  she is excelling and then some.  She is at a almost 3rd grade level right now and she will be entering 2nd grade.  She loves to read and write.  Natalie is doing excellent too.  For only being 4 1/2 years old when she started kindergarden she is also a little advanced for her age.  Her teacher said she is more than ready for 1st grade and I was so happy to hear that,  because I was a little concerned she wouldnt be ready because she was young.  But she sure proved me wrong.  :)

We have a new family member and we all love him to death.  He is a 3 year old Pug named Frank.  He is so cute and Tizdale is the only one who isnt to fond of him BUT he is getting better with him.  They are starting to play together and lay together.  They are sooo cute.  We take them for walks and they are warming up to each other.  The kids just LOVE him.  And of course they still love Tizdale.  lol 

Steve and I are getting ready for all the OT we are going to be getting at work for the grand opening of the hotel at the casino.  It is going to be crazy with all the stuff they have going on and the concerts.  Steve for sure will have more OT than me. (I think)  I am excited cause I want to save the money for something nice.  Maybe a nice vacation or something.  I dont know.

Well I am going to go relax,  I am a little stressed tonight.  Have someone I love on my mind and I am worried about him.  He is sick right now and in the hospital and I hope he gets well soon.  So I am going to go cuddle with my honey.