But a self esteem journey as well. For years I have battled with my self esteem and the way I look and feel when I am out in public surrounded by beautiful, skinny women. I just feel myself get depressed and down on myself when we are out somewhere and a beautiful skinny woman is around and it catches my significant others attention. I feel horrible. Yes it is normal for men to look. But I want to be thin and be someone he is proud to be with, not that I dont think he isnt proud to be with me but I want to turn his head even though he sees me everyday.
I know I have a self esteem problem and I know that I am way to hard on myself and I know I need to lose weight to make myself feel better and I am going to do just that. It is so sad when it is really hot outside and I have to keep myself covered up in baggy clothes and not show my legs or anything because I am ashamed of myself and the way I look. Then once again here it is almost summer and all these beautiful skinny women are out in their cute dresses and shorts and tank tops and yes I get even more depressed because I want to be confident enough to wear that kind of thing too. I honestly really dislike myself.
So I have created this blog to vent again my weight loss ups and downs and also to vent about how I am feeling self esteem wise. I have some days that are better than others. But I really do have a lot of down days and let me tell you this consumes my life and affects my life and relationship with my boyfriend a lot. I take how I look seriously and I am very sensitive about it. VERY sensitive. I am back on my diet for the most part and I am going to be losing weight again. I have been at a plateau for a few months and I want to get up and over this bump and get on with my journey.
All my life I have felt this way and have kept myself covered up and felt insecure about the way I look and I dont want that anymore and only I can make that change and make that difference. And damn it I am going to do my best to change it.
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