Happy Sunday..

My only day off... went by fast. To fast! Oh well... we had a good time. The girls and I met up with Steve at a soccer game he was working and we hung out with him and the girls got to tour the ambulance and they loved that. Got some pictures of them with it too. I love days like today.. spent with the ones I love the most. Even though Steve was working I still enjoyed every minute of being out there with him and the girls enjoyed it too. After all that is the first thing they were asking me this morning. LOL

I am back to work tomororw. OH joy... wish I had more time off BUT I will at the end of the week and I am going out of town with Steve and NO kids. I cant wait!

So here are a few pictures from today...













Thats all the pictures for now... There will be LOTS more after this weekend. :) Hope everyone had a wonderful Sunday..

Happy Sunday..

My only day off... went by fast. To fast! Oh well... we had a good time. The girls and I met up with Steve at a soccer game he was working and we hung out with him and the girls got to tour the ambulance and they loved that. Got some pictures of them with it too. I love days like today.. spent with the ones I love the most. Even though Steve was working I still enjoyed every minute of being out there with him and the girls enjoyed it too. After all that is the first thing they were asking me this morning. LOL

I am back to work tomororw. OH joy... wish I had more time off BUT I will at the end of the week and I am going out of town with Steve and NO kids. I cant wait!

So here are a few pictures from today...













Thats all the pictures for now... There will be LOTS more after this weekend. :) Hope everyone had a wonderful Sunday..

Our Thanksgiving...

So I am late updating about our Thanksgiving. I have been working all week and just havent had the time to get on here and update. Thanksgiving day the girls, Steve and I spent it out at my Dads house. My stepmom cooked and we ate dinner about 2ish because Steve and I both had to work Thanksgiving night.

It was a good day. I spent it with the ones I love and then went to work and had a pretty good night. Well I have to go get ready for work. Its my Friday! YAY!

Our Thanksgiving...

So I am late updating about our Thanksgiving. I have been working all week and just havent had the time to get on here and update. Thanksgiving day the girls, Steve and I spent it out at my Dads house. My stepmom cooked and we ate dinner about 2ish because Steve and I both had to work Thanksgiving night.

It was a good day. I spent it with the ones I love and then went to work and had a pretty good night. Well I have to go get ready for work. Its my Friday! YAY!

Off to a good start..

I have decided to get back on my weight loss mission. I am doing great by the way. Although I could be eating better BUT stress has sure made that impossible. I just dont have an appetite. BUT I am trying. I try and eat a little something here and there throughout the day. Since November 18th. I have lost 9.4 lbs. Yea that is just a week. Hmmmm can you say stress?!?!?! I decided to start taking my phentermine again and really get back into the swing of things like I was when I lost all the weight back in Feb. of 2007. I am going to set a walking routine and stick to it. I really need to get back in shape and feel good about myself. That is all I want to do, is feel good about my body and the way I look.

I know now is the wrong time with the holidays, but I can still eat holiday dinners and be on my diet and be just fine. I dont eat much to begin with even when I wasnt on my diet. My stomache just isnt that big anymore.. So wish me luck on my journey. I can do it. I might hit some bumps along the way but when I set my mind to something it will be accomplished no matter what, that is my stubborn side. :)

Off to a good start..

I have decided to get back on my weight loss mission. I am doing great by the way. Although I could be eating better BUT stress has sure made that impossible. I just dont have an appetite. BUT I am trying. I try and eat a little something here and there throughout the day. Since November 18th. I have lost 9.4 lbs. Yea that is just a week. Hmmmm can you say stress?!?!?! I decided to start taking my phentermine again and really get back into the swing of things like I was when I lost all the weight back in Feb. of 2007. I am going to set a walking routine and stick to it. I really need to get back in shape and feel good about myself. That is all I want to do, is feel good about my body and the way I look.

I know now is the wrong time with the holidays, but I can still eat holiday dinners and be on my diet and be just fine. I dont eat much to begin with even when I wasnt on my diet. My stomache just isnt that big anymore.. So wish me luck on my journey. I can do it. I might hit some bumps along the way but when I set my mind to something it will be accomplished no matter what, that is my stubborn side. :)

R.I.P My dear friend Vando..

I got some VERY sad news today. I went to the grocery store and ran into a lady that works out at a stable part time that I sold my horse Vando to. She recognized me and asked me how I was doing. I told her great. She met the girls and said that I should bring them out sometime to see the horses. I told her I was afraid to come out because I was afraid to be told that Vando was no longer alive. She looked away and looked back at me briefly then looked down again. I said I take that as yes she isnt alive any longer. She said yea actually we lost her last week. I had tears forming in my eyes right there but held it together. GOD that was hard. She could clearly see I was upset. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry and that they had some photos of her throughout her life with them if I would like some copies they would give them to me. I thanked her and told her I would try and bring the girls out sometime to see the horses and left. I got in my car and just cryed. WHY?!?! All this hurt now. I swear I am just doomed to be hurt. I cant handle much more hurt... my heart is just numb from all this hurting. :(

I loved this animal with all my heart. She was my life back in those days and I swear she was like my child. I lost a piece of myself when I had to sell her and Glen at the stables swore he would allow me to come see her whenever I wanted too and I did go see her twice. But it was so hard. It was like she remembered me, I am sure she did. She would neigh and carry on when I left and it was just hard. So I stopped going to see her. I am crushed to hear she is no longer alive. I regret not seeing her more. She was a VERY special horse. You might think I am crazy to be sitting her upset over a horse that is dead. BUT you would have to have known her to know why I am so upset. She had character. She had charm. She could make me laugh and cheer me up when I was down. I would go out and ride her everyday for hours. She was my life. We rode in parades, went to the beach, went camping overnight. You name it we did it. She was my partner in crime. And I feel horrible for not seeing her more.

R.I.P my dear VANDO!! I will miss you!

Here are some photos of her and I that I dug out...

R.I.P My dear friend Vando..

I got some VERY sad news today. I went to the grocery store and ran into a lady that works out at a stable part time that I sold my horse Vando to. She recognized me and asked me how I was doing. I told her great. She met the girls and said that I should bring them out sometime to see the horses. I told her I was afraid to come out because I was afraid to be told that Vando was no longer alive. She looked away and looked back at me briefly then looked down again. I said I take that as yes she isnt alive any longer. She said yea actually we lost her last week. I had tears forming in my eyes right there but held it together. GOD that was hard. She could clearly see I was upset. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry and that they had some photos of her throughout her life with them if I would like some copies they would give them to me. I thanked her and told her I would try and bring the girls out sometime to see the horses and left. I got in my car and just cryed. WHY?!?! All this hurt now. I swear I am just doomed to be hurt. I cant handle much more hurt... my heart is just numb from all this hurting. :(

I loved this animal with all my heart. She was my life back in those days and I swear she was like my child. I lost a piece of myself when I had to sell her and Glen at the stables swore he would allow me to come see her whenever I wanted too and I did go see her twice. But it was so hard. It was like she remembered me, I am sure she did. She would neigh and carry on when I left and it was just hard. So I stopped going to see her. I am crushed to hear she is no longer alive. I regret not seeing her more. She was a VERY special horse. You might think I am crazy to be sitting her upset over a horse that is dead. BUT you would have to have known her to know why I am so upset. She had character. She had charm. She could make me laugh and cheer me up when I was down. I would go out and ride her everyday for hours. She was my life. We rode in parades, went to the beach, went camping overnight. You name it we did it. She was my partner in crime. And I feel horrible for not seeing her more.

R.I.P my dear VANDO!! I will miss you!

Here are some photos of her and I that I dug out...

Sunday Already?!?!

My days off are flying... And I am so not looking forward to the holiday. Yes that is sad to say. BUT I miss my family holidays with my family (my mom, grandmother and sisters.) I wish I didnt have to work cause I would be gone in a heartbeat. I get to spend Thanksgiving alone. So I am glad I have to work in a way because it will get my mind off of things.

I plan to take the girls to see Santa soon and then take them to get their pics done at either JC Penneys or Picture People. I might even sneak into one. I dont know. Gotta wait awhile though... well until this nice shiner is gone. LOL

I really wish I could freeze time. I just dont want to face the next few weeks. To much to think about and it just makes me so depressed. I just need to get through the second week of Decemember and get that behind me. Wether or not it makes things for me better I dont know. Life is full of hurt .. and it has surrounded me full force. I am trying to be strong. But it can only last so long.

Well anyways I was trying to make this a positive blog but I seem to have gotten off track and made it a negative one. I am going to go take my shower and get ready for my girls to come home and then go get my chair from my Dads.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

Sunday Already?!?!

My days off are flying... And I am so not looking forward to the holiday. Yes that is sad to say. BUT I miss my family holidays with my family (my mom, grandmother and sisters.) I wish I didnt have to work cause I would be gone in a heartbeat. I get to spend Thanksgiving alone. So I am glad I have to work in a way because it will get my mind off of things.

I plan to take the girls to see Santa soon and then take them to get their pics done at either JC Penneys or Picture People. I might even sneak into one. I dont know. Gotta wait awhile though... well until this nice shiner is gone. LOL

I really wish I could freeze time. I just dont want to face the next few weeks. To much to think about and it just makes me so depressed. I just need to get through the second week of Decemember and get that behind me. Wether or not it makes things for me better I dont know. Life is full of hurt .. and it has surrounded me full force. I am trying to be strong. But it can only last so long.

Well anyways I was trying to make this a positive blog but I seem to have gotten off track and made it a negative one. I am going to go take my shower and get ready for my girls to come home and then go get my chair from my Dads.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

It's Friday..

I am off work for the weekend.. I have no kids and no plans. Hmmmm I think I will make some plans. Heck yea!! Go drown in my own sorrows. hehe

This combo doesnt work well...

Heartbroken & alone, for the weekend= A DISASTER!!

I will be ok! I have to tell myself that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Like a broken fucking record. I think you get the picture. If not I can spell it out some more? LOL I am trying to bring some humor to this hurtful subject. :)~ I know I am failing at it. BUT cant say I didnt try .. RIGHT??

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS

Happy Friday .. My friends!

It's Friday..

I am off work for the weekend.. I have no kids and no plans. Hmmmm I think I will make some plans. Heck yea!! Go drown in my own sorrows. hehe

This combo doesnt work well...

Heartbroken & alone, for the weekend= A DISASTER!!

I will be ok! I have to tell myself that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Like a broken fucking record. I think you get the picture. If not I can spell it out some more? LOL I am trying to bring some humor to this hurtful subject. :)~ I know I am failing at it. BUT cant say I didnt try .. RIGHT??

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS

Happy Friday .. My friends!

SO Not ready for this BUT...

Ok so just to fill you in on my day.. I tripped and fell at home and ended up with a HUGE black eye. Yea nice! That started my day out horrible after a long rough night already. So I just faced the day the best I could. Did my stuff I had planned and went on with my daily tasks. My eye got worse and more bruised as the day went on. So I got to work and EVERYONE asked me what happened and of course didnt beleive me. Thought my "boyfriend" beat me up. Told them you have to have a boyfriend first in order for him to beat me up. RIGHT?!?!

So towards the end of the night a guy that had given me his phone number ended up at a table near my section and he waved me over and said hello and asked me why I never called. My response was " Becasue I told you I "had" a boyfriend. He said oh yea thats right. We got to talking and he asked me what happened to my eye and he said he was worried about me. WTF ever he doesnt even know me. But he said he hoped that my boyfriend didnt do it that I dont deserve that. I told him that I no longer had a boyfriend and he said oh would you like to go out sometime. I told him I wasnt sure, and got called away to a jackpot. I paid the jackpot and started to walk my section and there he sits in my section. Great! I am really not in the mood to deal with this guy but eh whatever. So I continue walking and he stops me and says seriously I would love to take you out to old town sac and then have dinner on the river. I told him possibly, I wasnt sure. He asked me if I still had his number and I told him no. So he gave it to me again. (I ripped it up in front of Steve, last time he gave it to me) I am just not ready to get out there and date. I am VERY liery of men right now and just dont want to subject myself to anything. We chatted for awhile about work and he works for a correctional facility. Says he is persistant and I told him that he better not be to persistant or I will run the other way, that I just got out of a relationship and I am in no way ready for another. He said he understands but wanted to get to know me better. UGH!!

I am not ready for this at all... what to do?!?! I guess going to dinner and out wont hurt. But I dont know. Ok off to bed I go... I need some sleep. I have a busy day today. Oh joy!

SO Not ready for this BUT...

Ok so just to fill you in on my day.. I tripped and fell at home and ended up with a HUGE black eye. Yea nice! That started my day out horrible after a long rough night already. So I just faced the day the best I could. Did my stuff I had planned and went on with my daily tasks. My eye got worse and more bruised as the day went on. So I got to work and EVERYONE asked me what happened and of course didnt beleive me. Thought my "boyfriend" beat me up. Told them you have to have a boyfriend first in order for him to beat me up. RIGHT?!?!

So towards the end of the night a guy that had given me his phone number ended up at a table near my section and he waved me over and said hello and asked me why I never called. My response was " Becasue I told you I "had" a boyfriend. He said oh yea thats right. We got to talking and he asked me what happened to my eye and he said he was worried about me. WTF ever he doesnt even know me. But he said he hoped that my boyfriend didnt do it that I dont deserve that. I told him that I no longer had a boyfriend and he said oh would you like to go out sometime. I told him I wasnt sure, and got called away to a jackpot. I paid the jackpot and started to walk my section and there he sits in my section. Great! I am really not in the mood to deal with this guy but eh whatever. So I continue walking and he stops me and says seriously I would love to take you out to old town sac and then have dinner on the river. I told him possibly, I wasnt sure. He asked me if I still had his number and I told him no. So he gave it to me again. (I ripped it up in front of Steve, last time he gave it to me) I am just not ready to get out there and date. I am VERY liery of men right now and just dont want to subject myself to anything. We chatted for awhile about work and he works for a correctional facility. Says he is persistant and I told him that he better not be to persistant or I will run the other way, that I just got out of a relationship and I am in no way ready for another. He said he understands but wanted to get to know me better. UGH!!

I am not ready for this at all... what to do?!?! I guess going to dinner and out wont hurt. But I dont know. Ok off to bed I go... I need some sleep. I have a busy day today. Oh joy!

Just for Desiree... What I am thankful for!

So Desiree posted a comment on one of my blogs.. saying that she is only giving me 5 more blogs about Steve then it is time to post some more postive things in my life. Well I am not even going to give it 5 more blogs about him. I am ready to get on with the positive things in my life. There might not be many but they are worth blogging about. THANK YOU DESIREE for caring about me enough to get my mind off the negative shit and focus on the stuff that actually means something and that is the postive stuff in my life... here is a small list for now since I have to get ready to face another night at work. UGH!!

What I am thankful for:

1. Every day that I wake up
2. My beautiful healthy children
3. My health and my weight loss
4. My family
5. My job- although it is hard right now. It will get better in time.
6. My car
7. My home
8. My friends- the ones that actually prove they care and they know who they are. Not the ones that "act" like they care.
9. The food I can put on my table.
10. I am especially thankful for everyday that I can spend with my family and friends.

Ok that is all I can come up with right now. I have to go get ready to face this dreaded night :( Wish me luck. Last night was difficult but I managed. I put up that HUGE HUGE brick wall and did my job. That is all I can do!!!! Des thank you again for helping me focus on things that mean alot to me. :) I LOVE YOU!!!

Just for Desiree... What I am thankful for!

So Desiree posted a comment on one of my blogs.. saying that she is only giving me 5 more blogs about Steve then it is time to post some more postive things in my life. Well I am not even going to give it 5 more blogs about him. I am ready to get on with the positive things in my life. There might not be many but they are worth blogging about. THANK YOU DESIREE for caring about me enough to get my mind off the negative shit and focus on the stuff that actually means something and that is the postive stuff in my life... here is a small list for now since I have to get ready to face another night at work. UGH!!

What I am thankful for:

1. Every day that I wake up
2. My beautiful healthy children
3. My health and my weight loss
4. My family
5. My job- although it is hard right now. It will get better in time.
6. My car
7. My home
8. My friends- the ones that actually prove they care and they know who they are. Not the ones that "act" like they care.
9. The food I can put on my table.
10. I am especially thankful for everyday that I can spend with my family and friends.

Ok that is all I can come up with right now. I have to go get ready to face this dreaded night :( Wish me luck. Last night was difficult but I managed. I put up that HUGE HUGE brick wall and did my job. That is all I can do!!!! Des thank you again for helping me focus on things that mean alot to me. :) I LOVE YOU!!!

Without you...

I heard this song last night on my way home and it hit me sooooooo fucking hard that I had to pull over and cry and just cry. OMG! Why do I do this to myself. FUCK this! Yea it hurts but is it worth beating myself up NO!! Their are other men out there and ones that will not hurt me this way... or want to hurt me this way... So here is the song that hit home for me. :( And left me on the side of the road for about 30 mins crying my eyes out before I went and got my girls. Grrrrrr...

Without You
By: Dixie Chicks

I've sure enjoyed the rain But I'm looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain When you loose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time Would take away these lonely tears
I hope you're doing fine all alone. But where do I go from Here
'cause Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck In second place ooh Without you
Well I never thought I'd be Lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me that The life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy Making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted But what about me
'cause Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh Without you
Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart That I'm better off without you
'Cause baby I can't live Without you
I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh Without you Without you

Without you...

I heard this song last night on my way home and it hit me sooooooo fucking hard that I had to pull over and cry and just cry. OMG! Why do I do this to myself. FUCK this! Yea it hurts but is it worth beating myself up NO!! Their are other men out there and ones that will not hurt me this way... or want to hurt me this way... So here is the song that hit home for me. :( And left me on the side of the road for about 30 mins crying my eyes out before I went and got my girls. Grrrrrr...

Without You
By: Dixie Chicks

I've sure enjoyed the rain But I'm looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain When you loose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time Would take away these lonely tears
I hope you're doing fine all alone. But where do I go from Here
'cause Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck In second place ooh Without you
Well I never thought I'd be Lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me that The life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy Making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted But what about me
'cause Without you I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh Without you
Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart That I'm better off without you
'Cause baby I can't live Without you
I'm not okay And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh Without you Without you

I made it through last night...

Yes it was extremely hard.. BUT the fact is I was strong at work and cracked as soon as I got in my car. I had to pull over and cry for almost 45 mins. I couldnt drive. WHY? OMG! WHY? This is so hard. I just didnt think I would take it this hard. But when you love someone I guess you hurt when they just out of the blue with no warning one day say "Yea this is it, Goodbye." That fucking hurts!! The day before this happened we had a fantastic day. Spent all day together and had fun. I just dont know anymore. I keep running these things through my head and beating myself up and just want to erase him from my memories and my mind but I cant. I just cant get him out of my head. Grrr I am getting off topic here.



So work went pretty good. I was strong. It was hard to be strong. Especially when he came to tell me something and I wanted to just break down, which I did have to leave the floor for a few mins but I gained my thoughts and got back out there and kept my chin up. I did make quite a few mistakes but I had my favorite awesome boss who understood and he helped me a ton. He reassured me that it would be fine. We all make mistakes. I just cant focus and it sucks to have that much freaking money and to not be able to do my job properly. I have to find a way to just get on with my life and leave him as nothing but a mere memory. He has made it clear the last few days that he wants NOTHING to do with me period. I am past the hurt stage now and approaching the angry stage. :( Angry because he wont answer my questions... I have asked him. Angry because he thinks that I can just walk away this easy and not look back, I am sorry if he can. I guess his words and everything he said to me the last 3 months werent genuine and true they were all a lie... He never truly loved me. He seems like he doesnt care is what I am trying to say. I can look at him and see he doesnt care. I thought I knew him better. I guess I really didnt know him.



I am back off topic but my mind is wondering and I am exhausted! I just cant seem to get things off my mind. Well Happy Thursday to you!



J-

I made it through last night...

Yes it was extremely hard.. BUT the fact is I was strong at work and cracked as soon as I got in my car. I had to pull over and cry for almost 45 mins. I couldnt drive. WHY? OMG! WHY? This is so hard. I just didnt think I would take it this hard. But when you love someone I guess you hurt when they just out of the blue with no warning one day say "Yea this is it, Goodbye." That fucking hurts!! The day before this happened we had a fantastic day. Spent all day together and had fun. I just dont know anymore. I keep running these things through my head and beating myself up and just want to erase him from my memories and my mind but I cant. I just cant get him out of my head. Grrr I am getting off topic here.



So work went pretty good. I was strong. It was hard to be strong. Especially when he came to tell me something and I wanted to just break down, which I did have to leave the floor for a few mins but I gained my thoughts and got back out there and kept my chin up. I did make quite a few mistakes but I had my favorite awesome boss who understood and he helped me a ton. He reassured me that it would be fine. We all make mistakes. I just cant focus and it sucks to have that much freaking money and to not be able to do my job properly. I have to find a way to just get on with my life and leave him as nothing but a mere memory. He has made it clear the last few days that he wants NOTHING to do with me period. I am past the hurt stage now and approaching the angry stage. :( Angry because he wont answer my questions... I have asked him. Angry because he thinks that I can just walk away this easy and not look back, I am sorry if he can. I guess his words and everything he said to me the last 3 months werent genuine and true they were all a lie... He never truly loved me. He seems like he doesnt care is what I am trying to say. I can look at him and see he doesnt care. I thought I knew him better. I guess I really didnt know him.



I am back off topic but my mind is wondering and I am exhausted! I just cant seem to get things off my mind. Well Happy Thursday to you!



J-

What I am gonna miss the most..

Ok yea I know two post within a hour or so. BUT I just cant help it. I am hurting sooo bad and have no other outlet. I honestly didnt think I would hurt THIS bad. I knew I would hurt but not this bad. It is complicated. VERY complicated. More than I care to share. BUT here are a list of things that I am going to miss the most about my dear friend Steve who now is no longer in my life... As I type through tears sooo please forgive any typos. :(

1. That smile- can brighten my day in a heartbeat.
2. Seeing him looking at me from across the room and that right there brings a smile to my face.. once look from him and he could make me smile.
3. His sense of humor- we could lay in bed and laugh over the stupidest things but it felt great.
4. His advice- he was always there to offer advice when I needed it most.
5. The sweet notes left telling me that he loves me and he is thinking of me.
6. Calling me baby.. this one for me is gonna be hard to not hear anymore. Only one other person ever called me baby and that was my grandfather. :(
7. The text messages, the sweet simple text messages saying "I love you" or "Hope you have a good night at work" Something just as simple as that. I will miss!
8. I am going to miss the cuddling and holding each other and falling asleep.
9. Waking up next to him and smiling
10. The kisses on my shoulder in the morning when he wakes up.
11. I am going to miss talking to him about his business and hearing how things are going.
12. I am going to miss hearing about work when he came home.
13. I am going to miss him tickling me all the time. YES I will miss this! :(
14. I am going to miss him always trying to play with my belly button and me telling him "No belly button"
15. I am going to really miss those sound bites.. I still have every single one of them and beat myself up by listening to them.
16. I will miss hearing him sing in the car.
17. I will miss having his boys around.
18. I am going to miss him calling me a "snot brat"
19. I am going to miss holding hands with him and always being so close to him even in public.
20. I am just going to FLAT OUT MISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

I could go on... I could list many.. many more!! But you get the picture.

God please give me the strength to get through this ... I thought I was stronger than I am. My weakness is overbearing. And I need strength and lots of it. I havent cryed this much in YEARS and I dont think my heart has been this hurt since my very first true love ... and that was when I was 19 years old. Sometimes when you click with someone it just seems to hurt worse when it doesnt work out. Steve and I clicked very well. I had a few minor communication problems but we could have worked through them if given a chance. We were always on the same level.. thinking the same things, saying the same things. Have a lot in common. Etc... It just hurts to lose him when I put in so much effort to get where I was before he just up and left me. But welcome to life. It is full of hurt ... full of pain for me anyways. I dont know if I will ever see happiness. I saw if for a VERY short period with Steve... and I could have gotten used to it. I am getting off track here. I am rambling. I just wanted to list the most important things I will miss about this man. This man that captured my heart and now has it thrown on the floor in many many peices and I have to pick it up and try and move on. It is gonna hurt for a long time. A very long time.

So I will end with this quote:

I might not get to see you as often as I'd like, I may not get to hold you in my arms at night, but deep in my heart I know that it's true. No matter what happens... I will always love you.

Author-Unknown

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

Author-Unknown

What I am gonna miss the most..

Ok yea I know two post within a hour or so. BUT I just cant help it. I am hurting sooo bad and have no other outlet. I honestly didnt think I would hurt THIS bad. I knew I would hurt but not this bad. It is complicated. VERY complicated. More than I care to share. BUT here are a list of things that I am going to miss the most about my dear friend Steve who now is no longer in my life... As I type through tears sooo please forgive any typos. :(

1. That smile- can brighten my day in a heartbeat.
2. Seeing him looking at me from across the room and that right there brings a smile to my face.. once look from him and he could make me smile.
3. His sense of humor- we could lay in bed and laugh over the stupidest things but it felt great.
4. His advice- he was always there to offer advice when I needed it most.
5. The sweet notes left telling me that he loves me and he is thinking of me.
6. Calling me baby.. this one for me is gonna be hard to not hear anymore. Only one other person ever called me baby and that was my grandfather. :(
7. The text messages, the sweet simple text messages saying "I love you" or "Hope you have a good night at work" Something just as simple as that. I will miss!
8. I am going to miss the cuddling and holding each other and falling asleep.
9. Waking up next to him and smiling
10. The kisses on my shoulder in the morning when he wakes up.
11. I am going to miss talking to him about his business and hearing how things are going.
12. I am going to miss hearing about work when he came home.
13. I am going to miss him tickling me all the time. YES I will miss this! :(
14. I am going to miss him always trying to play with my belly button and me telling him "No belly button"
15. I am going to really miss those sound bites.. I still have every single one of them and beat myself up by listening to them.
16. I will miss hearing him sing in the car.
17. I will miss having his boys around.
18. I am going to miss him calling me a "snot brat"
19. I am going to miss holding hands with him and always being so close to him even in public.
20. I am just going to FLAT OUT MISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

I could go on... I could list many.. many more!! But you get the picture.

God please give me the strength to get through this ... I thought I was stronger than I am. My weakness is overbearing. And I need strength and lots of it. I havent cryed this much in YEARS and I dont think my heart has been this hurt since my very first true love ... and that was when I was 19 years old. Sometimes when you click with someone it just seems to hurt worse when it doesnt work out. Steve and I clicked very well. I had a few minor communication problems but we could have worked through them if given a chance. We were always on the same level.. thinking the same things, saying the same things. Have a lot in common. Etc... It just hurts to lose him when I put in so much effort to get where I was before he just up and left me. But welcome to life. It is full of hurt ... full of pain for me anyways. I dont know if I will ever see happiness. I saw if for a VERY short period with Steve... and I could have gotten used to it. I am getting off track here. I am rambling. I just wanted to list the most important things I will miss about this man. This man that captured my heart and now has it thrown on the floor in many many peices and I have to pick it up and try and move on. It is gonna hurt for a long time. A very long time.

So I will end with this quote:

I might not get to see you as often as I'd like, I may not get to hold you in my arms at night, but deep in my heart I know that it's true. No matter what happens... I will always love you.

Author-Unknown

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

Author-Unknown

Lonnnng Night..

After spending hours in the ER for a migraine I came home thinking I would just pass out. Nope. I layed here in my bed. Empty bed. Just me.. staring at the ceiling. Telling myself over and over and over "You will be fine" GOD dammit this pisses me off ... the hurt pisses me off. I am pissed at myself for allowing this to happen. Why?! How?! Could I let this happen and open myself up to such a vulnerable position. I knew better. I think we even discussed this over and over and when he left that morning I knew. I was extremely insecure but oh well what can I do. So I made it through my first night alone again and I will be ok. I know I will. I woke up with a pretty positive attitude. Ready to face this day and what it has to offer. I am even ready to face work tonight... I can do it. I realized that seeing him at work will be ok. I will be ok with it. I am there to do my job and just go home. It helps me so much to sit here and write about this. And I know there is only two of you who read these stupid postings of mine... but the fact is I can get it off my chest here and that helps. So here is to a new day and hopefully a good positive attitude all day. :) Happy Hump Day ... :)

Lonnnng Night..

After spending hours in the ER for a migraine I came home thinking I would just pass out. Nope. I layed here in my bed. Empty bed. Just me.. staring at the ceiling. Telling myself over and over and over "You will be fine" GOD dammit this pisses me off ... the hurt pisses me off. I am pissed at myself for allowing this to happen. Why?! How?! Could I let this happen and open myself up to such a vulnerable position. I knew better. I think we even discussed this over and over and when he left that morning I knew. I was extremely insecure but oh well what can I do. So I made it through my first night alone again and I will be ok. I know I will. I woke up with a pretty positive attitude. Ready to face this day and what it has to offer. I am even ready to face work tonight... I can do it. I realized that seeing him at work will be ok. I will be ok with it. I am there to do my job and just go home. It helps me so much to sit here and write about this. And I know there is only two of you who read these stupid postings of mine... but the fact is I can get it off my chest here and that helps. So here is to a new day and hopefully a good positive attitude all day. :) Happy Hump Day ... :)

All he left me was a bandaid to mend my heartache...

All he left me was a bandaid to try and put the pieces together and mend my broken heart. I guess that is better than nothing. Being an EMT I am thankful for the bandaid but it wont hold all the blood that I am gonna bleed from this heartache. :( It is gonna hurt for a LONG time, but I am strong. I think I will manage. I might as well let those of you that care about me know why we arent together anymore. Steve left to go back to his wife and daughter. Yes you read that correctly. He was married. He left her to be with me briefly but decided to break my heart along the way. I guess this was a HARD HARD lesson learned for me. He was good to me and the girls. He stood by my side through alot and I appreciate him for that. But right now I am hurt and am starting to get a little anger building. I guess that is normal. Hardest part is going to be going to work everyday and seeing him. I am going to try and go to graveyard. Sure will be hard on me and my family but I have to do this to heal. Get past the hurt and I wont get past the hurt seeing him everyday at work. It just wont happen. It will keep that wound open. :(

All he left me was a bandaid to mend my heartache...

All he left me was a bandaid to try and put the pieces together and mend my broken heart. I guess that is better than nothing. Being an EMT I am thankful for the bandaid but it wont hold all the blood that I am gonna bleed from this heartache. :( It is gonna hurt for a LONG time, but I am strong. I think I will manage. I might as well let those of you that care about me know why we arent together anymore. Steve left to go back to his wife and daughter. Yes you read that correctly. He was married. He left her to be with me briefly but decided to break my heart along the way. I guess this was a HARD HARD lesson learned for me. He was good to me and the girls. He stood by my side through alot and I appreciate him for that. But right now I am hurt and am starting to get a little anger building. I guess that is normal. Hardest part is going to be going to work everyday and seeing him. I am going to try and go to graveyard. Sure will be hard on me and my family but I have to do this to heal. Get past the hurt and I wont get past the hurt seeing him everyday at work. It just wont happen. It will keep that wound open. :(

Johns Incredible Pizza..

That is where we went tonight to celebrate Emily and Natalies bday combined since Emily didnt really get a birthday. The girls had a great time. I dont have much to write. Sorry! They had cake and pizza and unwrapped their gifts. That is about it. Here is just a few photos... I didnt take many :(

Johns Incredible Pizza..

That is where we went tonight to celebrate Emily and Natalies bday combined since Emily didnt really get a birthday. The girls had a great time. I dont have much to write. Sorry! They had cake and pizza and unwrapped their gifts. That is about it. Here is just a few photos... I didnt take many :(

Mondays SUCK!

Yep its Monday! And sooo feels like a Monday. I am tired and have a slight headache and have ALOT to do. Today is laundry day. Ohhh joy! When do I not have something to do?!?!!? Never! So I am on my third load in the washer and I still have alot of running around to do. hmmm will it ever get done? Today I am celebrating Natalie and Emilys bday together at Johns Incredible Pizza.. Kinda like Chuck E. Cheese but much nicer. So I have to go get a cake, and their gifts still. Yea I am a slacker. Not sure how I am gonna get their gifts when they are with me but eh I am freaking superMOM remember? I manage, always do.

Days like today I wish I didnt have to wake up and face the day. Grrr I hate Mondays! Oh well such is life. I tell myself daily to deal with it and quit bitching. LOL So that is what I am gonna do.

My Dad and stepmom are going to meet us for dinner tonight to celebrate Nat and Emilys bday. Will be fun! I will have lots of pictures I am sure to share. Unless I get in a funk and dont take any which I doubt but YOU never know with me anymore. :( My life is sooo full of stress I tend to forget to even take my camera :( BUT I plan to take it ... just hope to remember it after everything else I have to remember. hahaha Ok I am off to play Cinderella some more :P~

TTFN

Mondays SUCK!

Yep its Monday! And sooo feels like a Monday. I am tired and have a slight headache and have ALOT to do. Today is laundry day. Ohhh joy! When do I not have something to do?!?!!? Never! So I am on my third load in the washer and I still have alot of running around to do. hmmm will it ever get done? Today I am celebrating Natalie and Emilys bday together at Johns Incredible Pizza.. Kinda like Chuck E. Cheese but much nicer. So I have to go get a cake, and their gifts still. Yea I am a slacker. Not sure how I am gonna get their gifts when they are with me but eh I am freaking superMOM remember? I manage, always do.

Days like today I wish I didnt have to wake up and face the day. Grrr I hate Mondays! Oh well such is life. I tell myself daily to deal with it and quit bitching. LOL So that is what I am gonna do.

My Dad and stepmom are going to meet us for dinner tonight to celebrate Nat and Emilys bday. Will be fun! I will have lots of pictures I am sure to share. Unless I get in a funk and dont take any which I doubt but YOU never know with me anymore. :( My life is sooo full of stress I tend to forget to even take my camera :( BUT I plan to take it ... just hope to remember it after everything else I have to remember. hahaha Ok I am off to play Cinderella some more :P~

TTFN